Motherhood does many things to us both inside and out. The most substantial change in me is the gift of grace. Sure I'm still clumsy, can never figure out which is the salad fork, and am a novice wine drinker. The grace I was given is on the inside. Maybe it was always in me, hiding or waiting for the perfect moment to bloom. But let me back up to the beginning.
Rewind to my pre-mommy days.
I was not a patient person. Easily annoyed and my angry button was pushed in on the regular. That's not to say that I was unkind or unpleasant, I've always found it easy to make friends. With family and my husband, I could be ungrateful at times (embarrassing and hard to own up to as it is). Looking back, I'm just lucky that none of them kicked me to the curb. My husband says that I am exaggerating on those accounts but I disagree. Maybe it has something to do with reflecting on how I was then, from where I am now. Then I found grace.
April 2012
My story may be unique, though I hope it's not. Becoming a mother changes us all. My daughter's crying never stressed me and the lack of sleep was always worth it. Now with a feisty toddler, the challenges are different but the patience remains unending. You see for me, I had no choice, I loved my daughter from the moment that test showed two lines. Motherhood is challenging but the love that overflows in me is without words. When she's screaming and throwing a fit in my arms, I quietly whisper to her, "I love you in every way". It's not forced, it is the most natural thing I've felt in my life. It saddens me that not everyone has this beautiful connection and gift.
What is a Mother's Grace?
It is a peaceful quiet in your soul. It is endless patience. It is a beautiful bond between a mother and her child. It is a gift.
Where is my Grace?
In meeting other moms & seeing friends become moms, my eyes have opened to how vastly different people can be as parents. Some become parents out of a feeling of family obligation or because their biological clock is ticking. Others try for years to conceive & some get there by chance. One thing to me is certain, not everyone feels the gushy love for their kids at first (or maybe ever). We are all so different in many ways and this "grace" isn't something you can just reach out and grab. Perhaps it finds us when we need it the most.
What Now?
First, stop being so hard on yourself. You are caring for your child, sadly, that is more than many can say. Remember that being lovey-duvey does not a perfect parent make. Being able to have slightly more guarded emotions may make gentle discipline and rule enforcing an easier task. Lastly, remember that your efforts toward a closer relationship with your child are never a waste.
If you were lucky enough to feel that love at first sight, there is still work to be done. For me, it meant finding a way to harness that quiet peacefulness and using it to better my relationships with everyone around me.
Welcome Home.
